My very Special 1year old

it was 2am July 9th 2013 when I was awaken by what I would describe as rising cramps on fire, then I rushed to the bathroom to throw up, it was the red hot Cheetos I had the night of the 8th after walking 3hours around stl mills mall. I immediately called my sister not knowing what was going on, I have rising burning cramps” I told her she said let me google it, as I started with my “shit, fucks” during what google told us was labor, my sister proceeded to call my doctor from the UK, and I called my best friend IFY to tell her, I calmly spoke to her till I felt more cramps, then my words where “shit fuck, shit fuck” repeatedly till the cramps were over. I kept using the bathroom emptying out my stomach, till I finally spoke to the on call doctor thanks to my sister, who I insisted shouldn’t call my husband yet. the doctor said, what I described was active labor but to wait till my contractions were 5mins apart and 1min long to come in but if my water breaks to go in immediately. I talked to my sister and best friend through out, never calling my husband, I even tried to clean up mu own throw up. At 4:30am I went to the bathroom to pee sat on the toilet, heard a stream of pee but saw nothing when I got up, so I went back to lay down, telling my sister I thought I peed but there is nothing in the toilet, little did I know that my water just broke. as the cramps(contractions) got worst I told my sister that I needed to call my husband and in pain I called the wrong work number at 5am I told them I was in labor and needed my husband, so they transferred me to him, I told him I was in labor and I needed him home, he said ok, I asked him to call me every 15mins to check on me before coming home, 30mins later no call and no husband, this is when I started freaking out, so my sister kept calling him. at 6:30am my husband returned home to an in between contraction calm wife who was still attempting to clean her own throw up (lol) he looked so confused saying stop doing that, so I asked him to do it, he said lets go and my “fuck shit fuck shit” began. after a min they went away I was already 5mins between contractions. after the min was up, I calmly told him to go take a shower so we could go, with a very puzzled look he went to take a shower, as all he heard going in was “fuck shit fuck shit” from his wife who on a normal day does not curse.

The 20min drive to the hospital that felt like 40mins ugh, he was driving the speed limit but all I could think of was, could he drive any slower aaaaaaaaah!!!!! it felt like he was driving really slow and if not that I was too busy holding on to my stomach I might have punched him, after all we laid together to make this baby he should share in the physical pain, but I did not.

Arriving at the hospital I waddled in to a security tat said go through those doors and blah blah, I had no clue what he said so he put me in a wheel chair and took me to the front desk, where a calm nurse asked stupid questions like what’s your full name, what’s your social, do you have insurance, have you been here before….? I looked at her and tried as much as possible to answer all her questions then all that came out after my name was “fuck shit fuck shit” repeatedly. she then wheeled me in another room where I was asked more questions and a few tests where done, I handed them everything I came in with my hospital bags and records, I came prepared but my mouth I couldn’t control, they got some more “fuck shit” answers.

to be continue…. my 1year old needs attention20140317-110434.jpg

“success is lik…

“success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it”
Maya Angelou

At 12 years old I had a lot going on, a young girl trying to figure out why the world seemed so cruel, my English teacher Mr. Morgan read a quote once which made me picked up a poetry book and I started to write poetry and learned to express my feelings with poetry and it’s stuck with me ever since.

RIP Dr Maya Angelou you were smart, intelligent, beautiful and inspired me to be me even when being me wasn’t cool.

My Little heartbeat “introducing Ifunanya, Zoe, Ivie…”

Sorry its been long but I have been spending time with my little heartbeat.

On July 9th 2013 a day after my due date, I got to meet my little heart beat after 15hours of Labor.

I thank God for her, Its a love like non other, I want to protect her from any and everything.

I loved her before she was born, and love her even more now that she is here.

there are no words to describe the feeling so here she is

Ifunanya, Zoe, Ivie…. her names mean Love, Life, Beautiful Jewel.

My very Heartbeat in the flesh, she is amazing so I will go back to her now and will add the story of her birth later.

Zoeless than an hour after birth16582_10152101610659741_1108314218_n2 days old944549_10152101668174741_721271403_nim growing 1011538_10152101725899741_1062130474_nlet me sleep paparatzi 1004492_10152101658474741_768205721_nsleep time 270325_10152128179864741_1603741574_nlol 1146657_10152148980074741_805773076_none month old and mommy wants to look like me

20140317-110434.jpg updated to add an 8month picture of me and my not so little anymore heartbeat.

Letter to my unborn child.

With love you were made my little heartbeat.

I woke up feeling like wow, I have lost weight, and then I kept getting sicker, so I was told to go see a doctor. wow 7weeks pregnant, my little heartbeat at first, fear was what I felt then worry then Joy.

How God blessed me, on december 27th I got to see you on an ultra sound…brought tears to my eyes, from that moment I stopped calling you my little alien and you became my little Heartbeat, what can be closer to a person than their heartbeat.

I looked at you, as perfect as you looked and immediatly started wondering what you will be, everyone is guessing boy, even my mom, your future grandma. the taco guy that makes my taco swears you are a girl, my sister is hoping you will be a girl though she thinks you could be a boy as boys run in the family.

February 15th I did not feel you kick all day and couldnt find my smile, I was so worried that immediatly your daddy got home we went to the ER and you started jumping, guess you were trying to tell me you were fine, but I had to make sure and your daddy got to hear what I have heard twice before, your heartbeat and it made him so happy you should have seen the look on his face. later they did an ultra sound but did not let him in and he was so sad. I left the ER with the flu😦 but knowing you were fine:)

February 22nd the day your dad got to see you for the first time, he was so proud of you. you had your hands in front of your face he still tells everyone how smart you are that you were protecting your face, I couldnt tell him most babies do that cause he was so proud.

Time to find out what you are so we had to kick your daddy out. He wants to be surprised when you come out, but I want to know what my little heartbeat is. we both want a healthy baby and could care less what you are.

you kept hiding behind my belly button shy baby you, but I got to see you.

You kick and punch me daily and I am not complaining cause thats how I know that you are fine but just one request can you keep it above the waist.

I thank God for you everyday, you are my little heartbeat, My very Joy, I pray for you over ten times a day, and at night I even wake up to pray for you. There is so much love out here for you, but we will patiently wait on you, your father is so excited to meet you, he talks to you through my belly every night and morning, your only auntie Eseosa from your maternal side is so excited to meet you that she is going to come here from the UK to take care of you for two weeks when you come. your god mommy Ify is so excited she is already buying you things and throwing a baby shower for you, your god daddy Jyoti Rahman was so excited when we asked him to be your godfather that he looked like he was going to tear up, long story short he is excited to meet you, you have so many aunts and uncles on your daddy’s side and two brothers of mine that are all very excited to meet you, and two grandmas that are more than excited to meet you, both keep trying to name you and you have a paternal Grandpa.

I never had a grandfather so its important to me that you meet yours. sorry you wont get to meet my daddy he was a a sweet loving man, who would have treated you as you deserve to be treated with much love.

Mommy loves you. talk to you more soon

Normandy-20130307-0048623weeks with my little heartbeat

My Big Chop

Remember that song by India Arie~I am not my hair.

Well I have always loved that song, but as a person who does hair, and for me I  do my own hair, my motto was more like:  “Hair is an extension of you, so what does yours say about you?”

I have done almost every style while secretly being envious of those women who cut their hair, thinking it must be nice to have pretty natural hair.

with every hair style I do, I look a little different, whether it’s the long full hair….did I mention I love full hair, it does something to your personality and confidence.

or my shoulder length dos, bangs(fringes), curls, some color no color, twists or braids…I have done it all and they all give me a new look.

SEE I am a work in progress, who is always willing to try new hair styles, I used to say if I lose 60 LBS I will cut my hair:) well here I am the biggest I have ever been and I cut it all off yes THE BIG CHOP,

well now that my hair is cut I find myself trying to find ways to keep my feminine sexy lol I watch a lot of YouTube videos and all I have learned is big ear rings, eyeshadow and lashes:)

what I can say to those who want to cut their hair, make sure you are ready because though empowering for some, it can also leave you feeling naked because people will stair or at least it will feel like they are. You will no longer have hair to hide behind, so that beautiful face God blessed you with will be there for the world to see.

 

untitiled

Oh Memories of  memories past… stories told with out meaning…breathes taken yet no life

there she goes again mouth wide open lips moving yet she speaks no words…how badly she wants to be heard but all they see is lips moving…knowing her name and nothing else….lips like mine moving…eyes slanted yet wide enough to see, yet she goes unseen un heard…ears shaped like a perfect C with an in shaped rose petal…hidden behind her hair….she hears you even though you ignore her…you notice her scent cause its a soft scent…its welcoming but yet you walk away….laying on the floor lifeless you recognise her for the first time…SHE IS BEAUTIFUL…you remember how soft spoken she was and how you used to love her then you wake up and she is there smiling and suddenly you see her, hear her love her and appreciate her….ITS NOT TOO LATE

Life from this angle

Life from this angle. If I told a million stories and haven’t told yours then my stories lack meaning.

It was back in those days in Nigeria when polygamy was a normal thing, you married Benjamin Omokaro as his second wife. You were known as the street smart wife while his first wife was the educated one.

You did not speak much English but you could not be cheated in any currency, you were tough, dark and beautiful.

You did the shopping cause you knew
How to get the best for your money and pricing was your thing.

You had your first child and named him David(Nosa…) then your second named her Constance Osaze, and 7more but one passed so you raised your 4boys and your 4daughters.

Your husband passed when your youngest daughter was just 6 going on 7 but your oldest daughter had just married a professor and your oldest son was already a professor on his own so you had help with the younger ones.

You raised your family with love and a tough hand, you showed them that the world is what they make of it.

A young uneducated woman with 8 children, strong and beautiful                                                                                                                                                                 you  raised children that became professors, lawyers, architects, nurses, teachers…

Your first grandchild of over 20 grand children you have was also named David and he gave you two great grand sons,  your second oldest grand son gave you a greatgrandson.

Wow you that beautiful woman that they called uneducated, you were short and dark with all the curves in the right place you gave birth to Giant-professionals, who gave you another generation of strong, beautiful hard working professionals…

I love you grandma you are amazing, I’m finding it hard to process the fact that you are gone, last night was August 21st a day I will never forget, I got the call 10pm pacific time…., but it was early this morning almost 1am Nigerian time you took your last breathe, you closed your eyes one final time, you slept the final sleep, sorry we never told you about your first son, my uncle Dave’s pasing over a year ago, we did not think you could take it sorry we lied to you on his were-abouts, but now you know, enjoy the reunion I’m sure you are thinking once those kids get up here I’m going to give them a piece of my mind.

I love you grandma we all do, lots of tears down here, you were loved dearly you brought a lot of people into this world and in that you made a difference
If you see this I want you to know I love you, and I still remember you bringing me rice and stew with one boiled egg every Sunday for years and making sure my brothers did not eat my food, I love you dearly I was your youngest grandchild for 9years and you were blessed with many more and you loved us all and I will make sure your memory lives on in the next generation to come.
Rest in Peace. Squeeze uncle Dave for me let him know his Auntie me junior misses him, and tell my brother Uwa that I still hate beans

I cut my hair now I look more like you