waking up to a message that nearly destroyed my very being

could it be

listening but not wanting to hear

hoping without really believing

tears run down in disbelief

could it be

no way, not today

not you….

not now….

the phone rings

could it be

scared of the words that might be said, stalling for time…

I want to remember what it felt like before hearing those words

could it be


maybe if I close my eyes, I might just wake up


Close my eyes

but Damn!

I am still here the last call still remains the same

and could it be

yes the words were said

now I cant shake it

I cant seem to scream loud enough

Mad no Irrate No just ….

that feeling is this feeling, I cant shake it….My nerves, oh my nerves

the reality still is that

yes it could be!!!!


Yes it is


7 days to her 14th birthday

She said good bye to her much younger cousin, and happily went to see her older cousin, along with another cousin who was a few years younger than her, over joyed in her innocence, she had been through so much in her life, and just excited that things finally seemed normal, and she was indeed content with NORMAL.

At her 17 year old cousins house all the parents where gone for the night to a party and they where ready to have a good time. so her cousin called a friend, who decided they should get drinks, but they were all too young to buy it, so her cousin called her twenty year old boyfriend, who came with two of his friends who were over 21.

The three men got there, already drunk with out any drinks, so they decided every one will walk to the store, and pick out what they wanted. but the young girl 7days to her 14th birthday decided to stay behind, and her cousins 20year old boyfriend decided to stay behind also.

Everyone was gone, and she was left home alone with him!

He asked her for some water, the young NAIVE girl walked to the kitchen, opened up the fridge, pulled out a bottle of water, as she closed the door, he was standing there over her blocking her exit from the kitchen, she handed him a bottle of water.

But the water wasn’t what he wanted.

She noticed he had a remote in his hand, then she said again clearing her throat “Here is your water” he grabbed her and whispered in her ears “we can do this, the easy way or we can do it the hard way”

“please can you move out my way” she said

He turned up the radio with the remote he had in his hand, and grabbed her pressing his lips against hers…

pushing him away from her, she smelled the alcohol on him, he grabbed her again saying “I guess you chose the hard way”

pushing her to the floor and ripping her pants off, she screamed get off! his reply no one can hear you.

looking at the time it was 2 mins passed the hour, he pulled his pants down and releasing the worm, forcing himself on her, but he was having difficulties planting his worm in the untouched ocean…

as the scared young lady is learning what SEX is for the very first time.

18mins after the hour she continued begging him to stop, asking if she can do something else to make him stop…..

20mins after the hour he decided he wanted to break her innocence, because the other thing wasn’t what he wanted.

crying, screaming and begging…

he continued to deflower her.

1 min after the next hour everyone was back, and already drunk, the young girl on the couch in the dark curled up in tears, and the 20year old guy laid out on the couch.

Her 17year old cousin too drunk to notice anything takes her 20year old boyfriend upstairs, and gives him some of her chocolate chip cookies.

20mins later every one is gone, and the lights are on

for the first time since her older cousin got back, she noticed her on the couch, eyes red and in tears….


her cousin scared of getting in trouble for having boys over.

says lay on the floor, spread your legs let me check you.

seeing blood roll down her little cousins thigh she says “you wanted this, and if you say anything I will say you wanted it, now go take a shower I will deal with him myself!”

I did not want that! I did not want that, I did not ask for it she said as tears rolled down her cheek, walking up the stairs in pain to go wash him off.

7days to her 14th Birthday.


For some people it takes them a life time to figure out who their real friends are, and some never figure it out.

I am always humbled by the people in my life, partly because they all think they are right, about everything but really because of their love.

Let me define what I believe a friend is.

Friends are the families we chose for ourselves, and they can sometimes be closer than actual family.

knowing who your true friends are, is a big blessing, they are the people you can talk to about any and everything with out having to say dont tell anyone, because they know better.

In high school I thought I knew who my real friends where as I had over 50 lol,

lesson: two good friends are far better than a 100 bad ones or rather associates

Qualities of a real friend… they are there when you need them, honest no matter what it maybe, a real friend will not say negative things behind your back, a real friend doesn’t take advantage of you nor kicks you when you are down.

a few of my real Friends, in no particular order :p

Sam J….. I have known Sam since I was 14 years old, he was my best friend once upon a time, I would like to think his wife is now his Best Friend. Sam and I have been friends for twelve years. At a point in my life he was the only person I could trust with my secrets (other than God of course) we were so close everyone used to say the movie “Love and Basketball” was about us but we laughed cause we knew better, but over the years we have grown, gone through life’s turmoils some broke and others built our friendship. I would like to say the relationships we have with our significant others, is partly strengthened because of our friendship. I love you Sam

Tag WARS 2009

Ify E…. I met her  in an interesting way, (now this is a confusing story so pay attention) she had just moved to California in 2004, and she had been hearing from her cousin who is a friend to a family member of mine who shall remain nameless lol. Okay now she kept hearing all these negative things from her cousin… about this Cindy character. One sunny late 2004 she entered a laundry mart with her cousin and friends to do laundry to be introduced to Cindy(me) she was told I do hair, so I started to do her hair, and each time we talked and she told me she was disappointed when she met me, because I was nothing like what she expected given all she heard, instead I looked, dressed and acted like a church girl (lol),as time went by Ify and I got much closer, we started going out together, and hanging out and till today we are the very best of friends. She is someone that I trust completely and can say I always know that she is being real, she is not messy nor fake. I love that skinny gyal lol

Ify and I

Ms ABI, as we call her, I met this lovely lady back in 2004 through Ify E…. who introduced her to me as a hair client and in 2005 we got closer, Ms Ab is a sweet lady, very smart and does not take ISH (lol) she is a woman that knows what she wants out of life, and she goes for it, and this is a quality I have always admired in her, I love this chick.

ABI and I

I will stop there.

OKAY! My sister is the closest person to me in this world, I have known her for 26years, she is beautiful inside and out, she encourages me to be the best me I can be, I talk to her about every thing, she brings joy to my life, she is the first person I call when I am having a bad day and the first I call when I am having a good day. I cry when she is hurting, I dislike anyone who does anything to upset her, I am very protective of her, I pray for her everyday even when I forget to pray for myself…..Oh I can go on forever, I’m already in tears. I thank God for her, she is the gift that keeps on giving, she is the Friend I did not have to chose, because God picked her perfectly and made her my big sister, I love this girl more than Webster can attempt to define LOVE.

our silliness

US playing around in moms clothes 2005..new years eve

My sister