My very Special 1year old

it was 2am July 9th 2013 when I was awaken by what I would describe as rising cramps on fire, then I rushed to the bathroom to throw up, it was the red hot Cheetos I had the night of the 8th after walking 3hours around stl mills mall. I immediately called my sister not knowing what was going on, I have rising burning cramps” I told her she said let me google it, as I started with my “shit, fucks” during what google told us was labor, my sister proceeded to call my doctor from the UK, and I called my best friend IFY to tell her, I calmly spoke to her till I felt more cramps, then my words where “shit fuck, shit fuck” repeatedly till the cramps were over. I kept using the bathroom emptying out my stomach, till I finally spoke to the on call doctor thanks to my sister, who I insisted shouldn’t call my husband yet. the doctor said, what I described was active labor but to wait till my contractions were 5mins apart and 1min long to come in but if my water breaks to go in immediately. I talked to my sister and best friend through out, never calling my husband, I even tried to clean up mu own throw up. At 4:30am I went to the bathroom to pee sat on the toilet, heard a stream of pee but saw nothing when I got up, so I went back to lay down, telling my sister I thought I peed but there is nothing in the toilet, little did I know that my water just broke. as the cramps(contractions) got worst I told my sister that I needed to call my husband and in pain I called the wrong work number at 5am I told them I was in labor and needed my husband, so they transferred me to him, I told him I was in labor and I needed him home, he said ok, I asked him to call me every 15mins to check on me before coming home, 30mins later no call and no husband, this is when I started freaking out, so my sister kept calling him. at 6:30am my husband returned home to an in between contraction calm wife who was still attempting to clean her own throw up (lol) he looked so confused saying stop doing that, so I asked him to do it, he said lets go and my “fuck shit fuck shit” began. after a min they went away I was already 5mins between contractions. after the min was up, I calmly told him to go take a shower so we could go, with a very puzzled look he went to take a shower, as all he heard going in was “fuck shit fuck shit” from his wife who on a normal day does not curse.

The 20min drive to the hospital that felt like 40mins ugh, he was driving the speed limit but all I could think of was, could he drive any slower aaaaaaaaah!!!!! it felt like he was driving really slow and if not that I was too busy holding on to my stomach I might have punched him, after all we laid together to make this baby he should share in the physical pain, but I did not.

Arriving at the hospital I waddled in to a security tat said go through those doors and blah blah, I had no clue what he said so he put me in a wheel chair and took me to the front desk, where a calm nurse asked stupid questions like what’s your full name, what’s your social, do you have insurance, have you been here before….? I looked at her and tried as much as possible to answer all her questions then all that came out after my name was “fuck shit fuck shit” repeatedly. she then wheeled me in another room where I was asked more questions and a few tests where done, I handed them everything I came in with my hospital bags and records, I came prepared but my mouth I couldn’t control, they got some more “fuck shit” answers.

to be continue…. my 1year old needs attention20140317-110434.jpg

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“success is lik…

“success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it”
Maya Angelou

At 12 years old I had a lot going on, a young girl trying to figure out why the world seemed so cruel, my English teacher Mr. Morgan read a quote once which made me picked up a poetry book and I started to write poetry and learned to express my feelings with poetry and it’s stuck with me ever since.

RIP Dr Maya Angelou you were smart, intelligent, beautiful and inspired me to be me even when being me wasn’t cool.

Letter to my unborn child.

With love you were made my little heartbeat.

I woke up feeling like wow, I have lost weight, and then I kept getting sicker, so I was told to go see a doctor. wow 7weeks pregnant, my little heartbeat at first, fear was what I felt then worry then Joy.

How God blessed me, on december 27th I got to see you on an ultra sound…brought tears to my eyes, from that moment I stopped calling you my little alien and you became my little Heartbeat, what can be closer to a person than their heartbeat.

I looked at you, as perfect as you looked and immediatly started wondering what you will be, everyone is guessing boy, even my mom, your future grandma. the taco guy that makes my taco swears you are a girl, my sister is hoping you will be a girl though she thinks you could be a boy as boys run in the family.

February 15th I did not feel you kick all day and couldnt find my smile, I was so worried that immediatly your daddy got home we went to the ER and you started jumping, guess you were trying to tell me you were fine, but I had to make sure and your daddy got to hear what I have heard twice before, your heartbeat and it made him so happy you should have seen the look on his face. later they did an ultra sound but did not let him in and he was so sad. I left the ER with the flu 😦 but knowing you were fine 🙂

February 22nd the day your dad got to see you for the first time, he was so proud of you. you had your hands in front of your face he still tells everyone how smart you are that you were protecting your face, I couldnt tell him most babies do that cause he was so proud.

Time to find out what you are so we had to kick your daddy out. He wants to be surprised when you come out, but I want to know what my little heartbeat is. we both want a healthy baby and could care less what you are.

you kept hiding behind my belly button shy baby you, but I got to see you.

You kick and punch me daily and I am not complaining cause thats how I know that you are fine but just one request can you keep it above the waist.

I thank God for you everyday, you are my little heartbeat, My very Joy, I pray for you over ten times a day, and at night I even wake up to pray for you. There is so much love out here for you, but we will patiently wait on you, your father is so excited to meet you, he talks to you through my belly every night and morning, your only auntie Eseosa from your maternal side is so excited to meet you that she is going to come here from the UK to take care of you for two weeks when you come. your god mommy Ify is so excited she is already buying you things and throwing a baby shower for you, your god daddy Jyoti Rahman was so excited when we asked him to be your godfather that he looked like he was going to tear up, long story short he is excited to meet you, you have so many aunts and uncles on your daddy’s side and two brothers of mine that are all very excited to meet you, and two grandmas that are more than excited to meet you, both keep trying to name you and you have a paternal Grandpa.

I never had a grandfather so its important to me that you meet yours. sorry you wont get to meet my daddy he was a a sweet loving man, who would have treated you as you deserve to be treated with much love.

Mommy loves you. talk to you more soon

Normandy-20130307-0048623weeks with my little heartbeat

Trying times

them days them days

turn weeks

turn months

a year maybe

now you cant remember how life was with out them days

cool breeze blowing as I sit on the front porch

fenced backyard.

5bedrooms 3bathrooms 2living-rooms 1hot-tub a huge kitchen

that full bar in the basement and more

time to down size the economy got me changing lifestyles 😦

I always wanted to move

never felt like this was quite mine

but

a two bedroom wasn’t quite what I had in mind

this is not the neighborhood I had in mind

but then I am home

I am happy

I see you and a smile brights up my day

I suddenly remember how Rich I am

because I have you

I have your love 🙂

and just like that I found

JOY

PEACE

and even this home looks just GRAND


i am going to miss you the most hot tub

I’M GOING TO MISS YOU THE MOST JACUZZI 🙂

Undefined

waking up to a message that nearly destroyed my very being

could it be

listening but not wanting to hear

hoping without really believing

tears run down in disbelief

could it be

no way, not today

not you….

not now….

the phone rings

could it be

scared of the words that might be said, stalling for time…

I want to remember what it felt like before hearing those words

could it be

NO!!!!!

maybe if I close my eyes, I might just wake up

yes

Close my eyes

but Damn!

I am still here the last call still remains the same

and could it be

yes the words were said

now I cant shake it

I cant seem to scream loud enough

Mad no Irrate No just ….

that feeling is this feeling, I cant shake it….My nerves, oh my nerves

the reality still is that

yes it could be!!!!

Oh

Yes it is

Days like today.

Ever have one of those days,

you know, that kind of DAY!!

you wake up and you are not quite sure how the day will be but you know there is something peculiar about the day.

WELL I can truthfully say I am NOT loving this Friday. 4/27/12

Welcome to my day!

I was in and out of sleep all night into the early Friday morning.

I did not have an appetite but I forced some cereal in me.

I had a growing pain in me, only to hear that my sister is in the hospital 😦

My sister eventually convinced me she was doing great and that it had all been a false alarm, in an effort to turn my day around I let myself get talked into going out to eat.Arriving at AppleBees a spider crawled and I freaked out, no words just quickly got up at the sight of that huge spider…..yay the spider was killed at the hand of the MENU 🙂 …..the waiter finally arrives as I asked if I can move to another table….he allows it, and starts looking for the spider picking up the table seeing that there was so much food under it(from the previous customer because we just arrived)…he eventually takes the menu after I let him know the spider was under there….then he brings another party to sit there with all the food under the table…..(as he took a deep breath and acted like this is not my job)….I have been to this facility twice before and I have always had good service so I decided no big deal, even though I was still uneasy from the spider that was……… I order a drink to calm me down and another only to find a long black hair in my drink, I showed it to the waiter immediately, so he takes the drink back and brings me another, but at this time I was too scared to drink from it, I told him I did not want the drink long story short, after eating (yes I tipped) I went to walmart and in the Parking lot, all my food came out from where it went in. wow I dont have a weak stomach nor do I throw up easilly but I guess today was just one of those days.

Good night all.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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My First Blog Ever-Intro

Today Was a good day, I went to school and got to hear different presentations, but there was one that stood out the most it was by a man named M. he spoke in my Marketing class, and talked about blogs being a positive way of practicing to write better. I have told you why I decided to open my blog, now let me tell you who I am, I am a daughter who has grown into a woman and is still growing everyday but to you I am Cindy or Precious 🙂 PreciouslymeCindy works as well. I am a woman finding herself and finding the world too. I have been through so Much in the 26years that I have been alive and its made me who I am today…… there is so much To tell but why write a book on my first blog……My blogs are going to be about life and that consists of everything, movies, food, poetry, love etc happy reading…..,